Cry me a river?

It seems strange to say you can't cry. You laugh and think of Cameroon Diaz in the holiday but seriously being desensitized is something that happens. Haven't you ever laughed at something which was so not funny like your grandmas funeral and then been like shit how could I laugh? When the truth is all you want to do is cry. Sometimes its like you want to cry so bad but you just can't make the tears come out. Thats why so many people self harm because all of that pain inside of them eats away and no one sees it but it has no release. Its a way to know your still here still alive. If I don't feel am I not here? There is a masacistic pleasure to it as you watch the blood like rivers flow over you. Its like an ecstasy like a high that only drugs would give you and the relief is unbelievable. Its funny how it doesn't hurt but its like a thousand tears and each stroke is like a scream of relief. A purging of emotions that sets you free in so many ways. So many times I have closed my eyes and seen the blood surround me but its beautiful its at peace with me and myself. These are my tears. I used to believe that this was okay. Just a contradiction to social norms but nothing wrong. I used to convince myself that I should hide the scars not from shame but because they wouldn't understand. But we should know better than this because the mind can't lie to the mind. Its a truth I have to live with that my tears are of blood and not water. It doesn't make it right but now I wear my scars proudly like war wounds each one tells a story has a memory that I can't forget, that I won't forget, but everyday passes and a new one comes instead always different. We must believe in our pain and not supress it. I love all you men out there who cry at romantic movies and all you women who are loud and proud. Society has allowed us to become to become emotional zombies and thats why we are so afraid to be who we are to laugh or cry or love our way and nobody elses. But you know what I was diagnosed with bipolars a year ago and I am proud coz its who I am episodes and all. And lets face it everyone has a little crazy in them.

Freedom to.... go to jail?

I would bother to explain why I havn't been around for a while but since no one reads my blog anyway I don't really have anyone to apologise to. Its strange how much freedom has come to mean in the world today. Freedom of speech is a right that people all over the world have fought for and fight even harder to protect and keep. In a country where the constitution supposedly allows people the right to express their opinion, why is it that whenever they do they either end up in jail or disappear altogether. In general the rule for preventing or censoring freedom of speech is where it is likely to incite violence or under the Emergency Laws is a threat to national security what I can't understand and not mentioning any names because I am sure you all know who I mean, is how a blogger can get four years for defaming religion. In the first place it seems wierd to me that anyone could judge what defamation of religion is except God. Secondly, one of the realities of freedom of speech is that some opinions that not everyone likes are likely to come out because people have the freedom to express themselves. Simply faith needs to be put into society to be able to understand and make informed decisions based on the information they are given. Even more important is the fact that freedom protects people from having religion forced upon them if one person does not believe in that religion why shouldn't they be allowed to express that opinion. Yes some people will be up in arms about the sataners defaming their religion, but if you want freedom you have to go all the way. What makes it so ridiculous to me is the fact that any true believer of any religion would not be shaken for a second by any comments that anyone said about their religion. I am a Muslim and have nothing against Muslims at all but I have to wonder why none of the sheikhs who sit on TV defaming christianity everyday never end up on trial for defamation of religion. Does that mean it only applies to Islam and its a different standard for all other religions? Are other religions less? For a country that claims to be secular, its confusing enough that our constitution tells us the main source of law is Islam..........if your confused me to. So are we secular or Islamic? and will that make a difference or will our freedom send us to jail secular or Islamic?

In Search of Who We Are

I am no more than you, no less than you, I am human just like you. But what I didn't know was who I was or if I even was. Where is my humanity? I found that it comes from the deepest pain and the deepest struggles. Somehow true humanity can only come from true suffering. Its logical I guess if not a cruel twist of fate for to truely understand the horror or pain of any situation the best way is to go through it yourself. Does it mean my humanity is more/less the same as yours no for sure. Each person experiences humanity differently depending on their life, on their experience on their personality even. We must forgive the child who no longer cries when they see dead children on TV they see it everyday, its not real not a part of their life. I was like this numb not unfeeling but unknowing. That changed the first time I watched someone die. Death changes you forever and seeing it means you will never be the same. But to watch someone so young so innocent die have their life taken away from them so cruely for no reason except sheer stupidity is the most painful horror you can ever know. For so many years the pictures flashed through my mind the little child lieing their her tiny hands her little fingers curled with blood on them, her face distorted in suprise or shock and pain her draped over one cheek, one shoe off with her blue flowery sweater soaked in blood. Mostly I remember her eyes they were calling to me pleading, begging, till now when I close my eyes I still see her little face and those eyes still haunting me. Why? Why all of this? For what for the sake of taking revenge? For the sake of marking out your turf? For the sake of warning rival drug gangs you would kill a girl? Was it worth it? To know your a kiddie murder that you killed someones baby girl someones baby sister? I wrestled with the questions. Such inhumanity how could it be? How could their be balance in the world? How could their be justice? How could there? How could there? Sometimes I would cry for hours cursing God as the pictures haunted me in my mind. I would scream where are you? Where were you? Why ? If there is mercy if there is justice how could you let this happen? How? Never once did he answer me. Not once and I cursed and cursed convinced life was a big lie and humanity was just a myth. Till one day I was walking down the street and saw a shelter people were coming in and out, lame as it sounds something drew me inside. It was like another world inside gangsters, criminals and normal people to. A woman at the front told me no drugs and no guns I said I don't have either she said I am afraid we have to check I nodded now driven by my curiosity. I entered I knew I was out of place people looked at me and I turned red regretting what I had done. An older man walked up to me and smiled and ask do you need some help. I stammered no thanks he just smiled and said ok why don't you come and sit with us. I sat and people started to talk a woman stopped up she was young not more than 30 fair with blue eyes and brown hair and started to talk about how her son a 7 year old boy had been shot in a drive by shooting. It wasn't her story that made me understand it was what she said before she finished. She said I forgive him (the shooter) a long time ago, I forgave myself more recently, but what I know and what I now understand is God took away a gift but he gave me another the gift of humanity.

My Ray of Sunshine

My little angel
How you make me smile
A smile that flies over mountains and burns like the sun
I don't know how I lived before I knew you
I only know I cannot anymore
You are me and I am you
You are a friend and a sister
You are love and you are hope
You burned fire into my heart and made it warm
You made me believe
You made me whole
How do you not know your so beautiful?
My Ray of sunshine my hope of light
As you shine on me I will shine on you
Like sunshine like sunshine
Always filled with love
My Ray of sunshine I love you

Handicaps and Birth defects ARE NOT THE WORK OF THE DEVIL

In a world where so many people still suffer from birth defects or genetic diseases, it is sad to me that people are still so ignorant to these things, especially in Egypt. Having lived most of my life in England I never experienced so much predjudice till I came to this country. What is more sad is it is not just people i the street who judge a person missing a limb or wheelchair bound but in fact their families too. Whilst I must admit that these perceptions have improved slightly thanks largely to the campaigning and projects of Suzanne Mubarak in the field there is still a very long way to go. It is to me extremely sad that parents would make their children feel inadequate or less and encourage them to hide health problems or defects that are by no means their own choice. Such behaviour surely encourages the negative attitudes that people already hold. Whats more is that it seems that a whole set of values come with being handicapped including the fact that people seem to think if you are you are automatically deaf blind and stupid which is so ridiculous. I understand some parents would encourage their children to hide their health problems or handicaps I am sure that most of them think they are protecting their children from greater pain and predjudice that they would surely face if they were to be honest, but THAT IS WRONG. People won't change except by being taught greater understanding and being educated about the reality of these handicaps. I know what I am saying because I suffer from severe epilepsy. I was first diagnosed four years ago and I couldn't have been more shocked. Anyone who suffers from this illness will understand how awful it can be and how embarassing it is because certainly there is a total lack of understanding about it in this country. My mum who is British wanted to tell everyone for my own safety, she wanted to educate them so that if I had a seizure they would know what to do. My dad on the other hand refused point blank to let anyone know he warned me not to tell my friends and said they won't understand you will be alienated noone will talk to you they will treat you differently, you won't be able to get a job. I was shocked, I felt so low as if I should be ashamed of an illness that I had not chosen but was the will of God. My dad even refused to let his own family know and would not even tell my grandparents who at the time I was living with, even though he knew he was putting me at risk he was more worried about what people would think than of what might happen to me, of course this was a devastating thing to hear. Unfortunately for me the severity of my epilepsy meant that even with medication it was incredibly difficult for me to hide my illness. It happened multiple times whilst I was in university and whilst yes some peoples reactions were cruel and unkind most of them especially my friends were kind and understanding, they told me this doesn't change who you are your still the same its still you. What was more suprising is I suddenly found so many people I know coming up to me and telling me yes my brother has the same thing or my mother has the same thing. Suddenly I discovered hundreds of people were suffering from the same thing as me yet they had been to afraid to say anything because of the outdated and ignorant stigmas attached to it. The majority of experiences I have had have been posititive but there is still wide spread ignorance which needs to change. I will tell you a story and those of you who are not Egyptian please don't be shocked. Once I got sick whilst I was in the street I was only with one friend and she is rather small. When people saw me convulsing on the street floor I am told many people came to help. Sadly some of those people are uneducated. One man insisted that this was happening because the devil or evil spirits were inside me (something which by the way many people in this country still believe to be the cause of epilapsy). As my friend explains it the man grabbed me whilst I was still convulsing and started to hit my head violently on the floor he kept reciting verses of the Koran and bashing my head more and more violently. Of course my scared friend tried to stop him but failed to get me away from him. By this time there was blood pouring down my face not knowing what to do my friend called her brother and some other guys who came running and had to punch the guy to get the still unconcious me away from him. That day I had 17 stiches in my head and cuts and bruises all over my face. Let me make it clear this has nothing to do with Islam or religion even this is most simply IGNORANCE. After that people were even more convinced I should not speak about my condition but after this I was even more determined to educate people about these things. Pictures kept running through my mind and I wondered how many other people were being treated in the same way? So this is what I am asking Egyptians educate your families and your friends show tolerance have understanding this is the will of God it is not something from the devil nor are these people evil. One day and I pray this is not the case, it maybe your mother, your brother, your sister, your father or even you that has this problem. Would you want people to do this to you. For anyone who lives in a country where such levels of ignorance don't exist thank God and realise how truely lucky you are

Another National Poem

I just had to write about a new post by ISIS. Its called Another National Poem and it rocks. I totally agree with what she says where is our freedom, and where is the line between our freedoms of expression and crimes against the government? Its not just an issue of how much freedom people should have in Egypt its an issue of whether they actually have any freedom in the first place. One of things I respect is the fact that ISIS does not just limit the idea of freedoms to thinks people should have the right to do, but also emphasises peoples rght to freedom from, whether it be torture, sexual harassment or anything else. Anyone reading this post really must check out this post at www.egyptreality.blogspot.com The pictures will crack u up to but I think the point thats trying to be got accross is important and all you Egyptians out there should be asking yourself this to. Are freedoms you right or are they nothing more than a commoditywhich those in power give and take away depending on the political price?

Silence

Dear silence of my imagination
Why do you hold me in your arms?
You hold my lips shut
Watch the scream fall down
Drop into a dark hole of despair
You control me with your fear
Play games with my mind
Till my mind explodes inside
And I hear you laugh
Is it me or is it you?
Are you there or am I crazy?
If its me why can I never be free?
You slam the door
Throw away the key
But I don't worry I won't scream again
I will be quiet now
I am silent now always silent