In Search of Who We Are

I am no more than you, no less than you, I am human just like you. But what I didn't know was who I was or if I even was. Where is my humanity? I found that it comes from the deepest pain and the deepest struggles. Somehow true humanity can only come from true suffering. Its logical I guess if not a cruel twist of fate for to truely understand the horror or pain of any situation the best way is to go through it yourself. Does it mean my humanity is more/less the same as yours no for sure. Each person experiences humanity differently depending on their life, on their experience on their personality even. We must forgive the child who no longer cries when they see dead children on TV they see it everyday, its not real not a part of their life. I was like this numb not unfeeling but unknowing. That changed the first time I watched someone die. Death changes you forever and seeing it means you will never be the same. But to watch someone so young so innocent die have their life taken away from them so cruely for no reason except sheer stupidity is the most painful horror you can ever know. For so many years the pictures flashed through my mind the little child lieing their her tiny hands her little fingers curled with blood on them, her face distorted in suprise or shock and pain her draped over one cheek, one shoe off with her blue flowery sweater soaked in blood. Mostly I remember her eyes they were calling to me pleading, begging, till now when I close my eyes I still see her little face and those eyes still haunting me. Why? Why all of this? For what for the sake of taking revenge? For the sake of marking out your turf? For the sake of warning rival drug gangs you would kill a girl? Was it worth it? To know your a kiddie murder that you killed someones baby girl someones baby sister? I wrestled with the questions. Such inhumanity how could it be? How could their be balance in the world? How could their be justice? How could there? How could there? Sometimes I would cry for hours cursing God as the pictures haunted me in my mind. I would scream where are you? Where were you? Why ? If there is mercy if there is justice how could you let this happen? How? Never once did he answer me. Not once and I cursed and cursed convinced life was a big lie and humanity was just a myth. Till one day I was walking down the street and saw a shelter people were coming in and out, lame as it sounds something drew me inside. It was like another world inside gangsters, criminals and normal people to. A woman at the front told me no drugs and no guns I said I don't have either she said I am afraid we have to check I nodded now driven by my curiosity. I entered I knew I was out of place people looked at me and I turned red regretting what I had done. An older man walked up to me and smiled and ask do you need some help. I stammered no thanks he just smiled and said ok why don't you come and sit with us. I sat and people started to talk a woman stopped up she was young not more than 30 fair with blue eyes and brown hair and started to talk about how her son a 7 year old boy had been shot in a drive by shooting. It wasn't her story that made me understand it was what she said before she finished. She said I forgive him (the shooter) a long time ago, I forgave myself more recently, but what I know and what I now understand is God took away a gift but he gave me another the gift of humanity.

My Ray of Sunshine

My little angel
How you make me smile
A smile that flies over mountains and burns like the sun
I don't know how I lived before I knew you
I only know I cannot anymore
You are me and I am you
You are a friend and a sister
You are love and you are hope
You burned fire into my heart and made it warm
You made me believe
You made me whole
How do you not know your so beautiful?
My Ray of sunshine my hope of light
As you shine on me I will shine on you
Like sunshine like sunshine
Always filled with love
My Ray of sunshine I love you

Handicaps and Birth defects ARE NOT THE WORK OF THE DEVIL

In a world where so many people still suffer from birth defects or genetic diseases, it is sad to me that people are still so ignorant to these things, especially in Egypt. Having lived most of my life in England I never experienced so much predjudice till I came to this country. What is more sad is it is not just people i the street who judge a person missing a limb or wheelchair bound but in fact their families too. Whilst I must admit that these perceptions have improved slightly thanks largely to the campaigning and projects of Suzanne Mubarak in the field there is still a very long way to go. It is to me extremely sad that parents would make their children feel inadequate or less and encourage them to hide health problems or defects that are by no means their own choice. Such behaviour surely encourages the negative attitudes that people already hold. Whats more is that it seems that a whole set of values come with being handicapped including the fact that people seem to think if you are you are automatically deaf blind and stupid which is so ridiculous. I understand some parents would encourage their children to hide their health problems or handicaps I am sure that most of them think they are protecting their children from greater pain and predjudice that they would surely face if they were to be honest, but THAT IS WRONG. People won't change except by being taught greater understanding and being educated about the reality of these handicaps. I know what I am saying because I suffer from severe epilepsy. I was first diagnosed four years ago and I couldn't have been more shocked. Anyone who suffers from this illness will understand how awful it can be and how embarassing it is because certainly there is a total lack of understanding about it in this country. My mum who is British wanted to tell everyone for my own safety, she wanted to educate them so that if I had a seizure they would know what to do. My dad on the other hand refused point blank to let anyone know he warned me not to tell my friends and said they won't understand you will be alienated noone will talk to you they will treat you differently, you won't be able to get a job. I was shocked, I felt so low as if I should be ashamed of an illness that I had not chosen but was the will of God. My dad even refused to let his own family know and would not even tell my grandparents who at the time I was living with, even though he knew he was putting me at risk he was more worried about what people would think than of what might happen to me, of course this was a devastating thing to hear. Unfortunately for me the severity of my epilepsy meant that even with medication it was incredibly difficult for me to hide my illness. It happened multiple times whilst I was in university and whilst yes some peoples reactions were cruel and unkind most of them especially my friends were kind and understanding, they told me this doesn't change who you are your still the same its still you. What was more suprising is I suddenly found so many people I know coming up to me and telling me yes my brother has the same thing or my mother has the same thing. Suddenly I discovered hundreds of people were suffering from the same thing as me yet they had been to afraid to say anything because of the outdated and ignorant stigmas attached to it. The majority of experiences I have had have been posititive but there is still wide spread ignorance which needs to change. I will tell you a story and those of you who are not Egyptian please don't be shocked. Once I got sick whilst I was in the street I was only with one friend and she is rather small. When people saw me convulsing on the street floor I am told many people came to help. Sadly some of those people are uneducated. One man insisted that this was happening because the devil or evil spirits were inside me (something which by the way many people in this country still believe to be the cause of epilapsy). As my friend explains it the man grabbed me whilst I was still convulsing and started to hit my head violently on the floor he kept reciting verses of the Koran and bashing my head more and more violently. Of course my scared friend tried to stop him but failed to get me away from him. By this time there was blood pouring down my face not knowing what to do my friend called her brother and some other guys who came running and had to punch the guy to get the still unconcious me away from him. That day I had 17 stiches in my head and cuts and bruises all over my face. Let me make it clear this has nothing to do with Islam or religion even this is most simply IGNORANCE. After that people were even more convinced I should not speak about my condition but after this I was even more determined to educate people about these things. Pictures kept running through my mind and I wondered how many other people were being treated in the same way? So this is what I am asking Egyptians educate your families and your friends show tolerance have understanding this is the will of God it is not something from the devil nor are these people evil. One day and I pray this is not the case, it maybe your mother, your brother, your sister, your father or even you that has this problem. Would you want people to do this to you. For anyone who lives in a country where such levels of ignorance don't exist thank God and realise how truely lucky you are

Another National Poem

I just had to write about a new post by ISIS. Its called Another National Poem and it rocks. I totally agree with what she says where is our freedom, and where is the line between our freedoms of expression and crimes against the government? Its not just an issue of how much freedom people should have in Egypt its an issue of whether they actually have any freedom in the first place. One of things I respect is the fact that ISIS does not just limit the idea of freedoms to thinks people should have the right to do, but also emphasises peoples rght to freedom from, whether it be torture, sexual harassment or anything else. Anyone reading this post really must check out this post at www.egyptreality.blogspot.com The pictures will crack u up to but I think the point thats trying to be got accross is important and all you Egyptians out there should be asking yourself this to. Are freedoms you right or are they nothing more than a commoditywhich those in power give and take away depending on the political price?

Silence

Dear silence of my imagination
Why do you hold me in your arms?
You hold my lips shut
Watch the scream fall down
Drop into a dark hole of despair
You control me with your fear
Play games with my mind
Till my mind explodes inside
And I hear you laugh
Is it me or is it you?
Are you there or am I crazy?
If its me why can I never be free?
You slam the door
Throw away the key
But I don't worry I won't scream again
I will be quiet now
I am silent now always silent

In my dreams

Every moment is a picture framed to perfection in your mind
You can still taste the air
Sweet and cold like a burning efigy on your tongue
And if you pause a second you can touch it
Feel the smile as your lips swirl
Still feel the laugh leaving your mouth
And the sun warms your face
Eyes glowing, shining with rememberance
And then just as it came it disappears
And your left with the memory
As your face glistens with tears
Left with the memory of yesterday
But filled with the promise of tommorrow.

People People be serious

Regarding the recent so called scandal over the minister of culture Farouk Hosni. My comment is God people don't you have anything better to do. I love Islam and respect it as much as the next but if you are all going to get upset over a guy who doesn't even know how many pillars of Islam there are (he thinks there are four, there are five ) then you might as well listen to any idiot in the street. People please be serious if you want to make a fuss do it about something worth the effort. Firstly, all you men out there reading this and outraged by the fact that anyone could speak out against the veil GET A LIFE. Women would not feel the need to wear headscarfs in the first place if so many of you weren't such disgusting perverts. Secondly the truth is the value of the veil is lost when a women puts it on because thats what all her friends are doing and she thinks the fashoin for the veil is nicer. Most importantly everyone has their right to think what they like SO WHAT Farouk made some comments about the veil thats his opinion it doesn't defame Islam because simply anyone who wishes to understand just has to pick up the koran and read. If we all took every comment everyone ever made we would all be falling over ourselves to demonstrate and rise up outraged. In the end there are still millions of people dieing every day because they have no food, or water or can't afford the most basic drugs to stay alive or live in a war torn zone where they live in constant fear of being killed any moment. Perhaps if people focused on these things a little more the world might be a better safer place. So please people please get serious.

The World Has Gone Mad!

In a world where the West screams democracy, why is it we are still living in countries which are totally autocratic? Why? I ask because these countries governments suit the West and as soon as their use runs it out you can be damn sure they will be kicking us to the roadside just like they have everyone else! I mean take Egypt for example in the last elections America said that Egypt had taken a great step towards democracy. Now any Egyptian who is reading this will be laughing at this point because everyone knows the elections where rigged thousands of people prevented from voting and hundreds threatened and beaten. Even when the Egyptian judges tried to publish a report with these findings they were arrested! Please people do not tell me that America doesn't know what goes on in Egypt and in other countries don't tell me that don't know people are systematically tortured, beaten arrested and threatened just for expressing their opinion. How can you preach democracy and freedom when the Western governments support governments that don't een allow for the safety of their people in the streets. If we are to speak of freedoms the greatest of all is to live without fear. Egyptians and so many other countries in Africa and the Middle East live in fear everyday, to speak out to live their lives the way that people in other parts of the world take for granted. I don't mind if the American and British governements don't speak out because Egypt is stable and they need it. BUT why the hell don't they just admit that instead of helping to cover up the horrendous things that happen here everyday. Iraq was invaded to free the people and bring democracy, but we all know the truth is that if Saddam had been cooperating with American government there is no way they would have interfered no matter what the government was doing to its people. It disgusts me to think that so many people who really do love democracy and freedom are being blinded by their governments who care more about money and greed than the values of democracy and because of that help to cover up the crimes against humanity that appear everyday in the Middle East. For me it has become a daily occurance I barely flinch anymore when I see pictures or videos of the police beating someone. Everyday I hear someone else has been arrested for expressing their opinion or trying to demonstrate. The luck ones are scared and threatened and then released, the unlucky could stay anything up to a year being beaten and tortured and believe me it doesn't matter whether you commited a crime or not after you come out of jail your life is over. You won't find a job, you won't find anyone who even wants to talk to you for fear that they will be arrested or punished for associating with you, and in the end when they can't get to you when they see that you are no longer afraid or they realise they can't break your spirit they will use your family against you too. If thats what democracy means no thanks we are better off with what we have at least we know our own reality and we know what to expect.

Eating Disorders Don't get them wrong!

As a recovering annorexic I understand what it means to have eating disorders but so many people don't. Annorexia and Bulimia are diseases and people who have them are sick. A lot of people would laugh if they heard someone say they were afraid of food but why? Would you laugh is someone said they were afraid of spiders or snakes? People seem to think that its a choice annorexics just don't eat bulimics just choose to throw up but its not like that. I watched friends die because they couldn't eat. ITS AN ADDICTION PEOPLE thats what you all have to understand and no matter what its never enough. I used to say just another couple of kilos and then I will be perfect but you never are because annorexics and bulimics can't see their bodies the way that you do. All of you are thing thats ridiculuous and maybe it is but till you have been there you can never understand. So many people think that eating disorders are a way to get attention but they are not. Yes for a small group of people they are a cry for help but for most it is a reflection of a much deeper pain and a much deeper fear. A lot of the time family, friends and lovers blame themselves or think that its their fault or that they failed in someone way otherwise the person would bot be like that but for all of you people out there who think that you are WRONG. Its about them not you its about there own pain there own self-hatred. The most common reasons for annorexia and Bulimia are traumas such as sexual abuse or severe depression, or people who were previously overweighted and suffered whilst over weight and who are now afraid to go back there. In case my problem was compounded by all three as a child I was sexually abused to confort myself and try and wash away the disgust and hatred I felt for myself I started to eat anything and everything. I became severly overweight and there was a part of me that just wanted to hide away and never be looked at again because I felt I was such a bad person and I blamed myself. As I got fatter myself esteem plummeted I was bullied constantly and tried to commit suicide on more occasions than I can remember. I became more and more desperate and disgusted by myself I didn't know where to go and the psychiatrists my parents dragged me to just seemed to make it worse. My turning point was after I tried to overdose on drugs when I got to the hospital I was almost dead I stayed in hospital 2 weeks barely eating anything. When I got out everyone commented I had lost weight and for the first time I felt human. For the first time people looked at me and I decided I had to change. I started to go on diets but the more weight I lost the more weight I had to loose it didn't matter even if I died just as long as I never went back to that. It wasn't just the weight but there were so many bad memories and horrors associated with that. I finally realised being abused wasn't my fault and I was so angry that that man had made me think it was for so long. It turned into revenge in some strange way. Like I am going to show him I am going to be the most beautiful and the best ever. Yet it wasn't like that the more weight I lost the higher the stakes became I could never go back never never and I spent my time becoming more and more obsessed. Please don't tell me that its a choice when you hide food or throw it out the window or go and throw up or even hide it at the back of your throat till everyone leaves so u can spit it out don't tell me that is not a disease because it is. You would be suprised how easy it is to learn these soon I was taking coctails of diet pills with laxatives and starving myself for anything up to 8 or 9 days at a time. There would be days when I couldn't get out of bed I was so weak even speaking or opening my eyes was an effort. I would pass out several times a week I started to get arthritus in my legs I would constantly break my bones from all my falls but I just couldn't get out. I knew I needed help but I was so deep I didn't know where to go. I was so afraid people would not understand and they didn't people called me a sick freak other people said I was an attention seeker. I wasn't I just wanted to be happy to be normal to be like everyone else but there was so much pain I didn't know how to do it. People think please think do you really believe that someone would choose that life? People with these sicknesses watch themselves slowly dieing and have no idea what to do. They need love and understand support and kindness. Realise and this is soo important IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT THEM the way they feel the way they are is to do with them don't blame yourselves or show them you do because that will make them worse. Don't try to force them to eat or pressure them this will make them worse. Just show them love and support and kindness and understanding and go and research and read about these subjects don't misunderstand them. DON'T GET THEM WRONG

MY FREEDOM HOW I AM FREE

You want to be all of me
You want to be everything
You control me possess me like a victim of the devil
Your punishment more cruel and ferocious
I have nothing
Nothing truly mine
You invade me like a cancer that spreads and spreads
Never free never free
Is your sole aim my unhappiness?
Is your sole aim my torture?
You want everything
Everything that’s mine
Do I have nothing?
Is nothing truly sacred?
But you can’t take this away from me
You can’t take this away from me
And I swear by everything I love
By everything you have yet to destroy
You won’t take this from me
If I must die to have one sweet freedom
I will do it for that is all I have left
To say I am me
So I won’t eat I won’t
You can’t make me you know
And I will starve and starve
Till my face turns hollow and white
I will starve and starve till
I have no breath to breathe
Until you see I am me not you
And I must be free