Eating Disorders Don't get them wrong!

As a recovering annorexic I understand what it means to have eating disorders but so many people don't. Annorexia and Bulimia are diseases and people who have them are sick. A lot of people would laugh if they heard someone say they were afraid of food but why? Would you laugh is someone said they were afraid of spiders or snakes? People seem to think that its a choice annorexics just don't eat bulimics just choose to throw up but its not like that. I watched friends die because they couldn't eat. ITS AN ADDICTION PEOPLE thats what you all have to understand and no matter what its never enough. I used to say just another couple of kilos and then I will be perfect but you never are because annorexics and bulimics can't see their bodies the way that you do. All of you are thing thats ridiculuous and maybe it is but till you have been there you can never understand. So many people think that eating disorders are a way to get attention but they are not. Yes for a small group of people they are a cry for help but for most it is a reflection of a much deeper pain and a much deeper fear. A lot of the time family, friends and lovers blame themselves or think that its their fault or that they failed in someone way otherwise the person would bot be like that but for all of you people out there who think that you are WRONG. Its about them not you its about there own pain there own self-hatred. The most common reasons for annorexia and Bulimia are traumas such as sexual abuse or severe depression, or people who were previously overweighted and suffered whilst over weight and who are now afraid to go back there. In case my problem was compounded by all three as a child I was sexually abused to confort myself and try and wash away the disgust and hatred I felt for myself I started to eat anything and everything. I became severly overweight and there was a part of me that just wanted to hide away and never be looked at again because I felt I was such a bad person and I blamed myself. As I got fatter myself esteem plummeted I was bullied constantly and tried to commit suicide on more occasions than I can remember. I became more and more desperate and disgusted by myself I didn't know where to go and the psychiatrists my parents dragged me to just seemed to make it worse. My turning point was after I tried to overdose on drugs when I got to the hospital I was almost dead I stayed in hospital 2 weeks barely eating anything. When I got out everyone commented I had lost weight and for the first time I felt human. For the first time people looked at me and I decided I had to change. I started to go on diets but the more weight I lost the more weight I had to loose it didn't matter even if I died just as long as I never went back to that. It wasn't just the weight but there were so many bad memories and horrors associated with that. I finally realised being abused wasn't my fault and I was so angry that that man had made me think it was for so long. It turned into revenge in some strange way. Like I am going to show him I am going to be the most beautiful and the best ever. Yet it wasn't like that the more weight I lost the higher the stakes became I could never go back never never and I spent my time becoming more and more obsessed. Please don't tell me that its a choice when you hide food or throw it out the window or go and throw up or even hide it at the back of your throat till everyone leaves so u can spit it out don't tell me that is not a disease because it is. You would be suprised how easy it is to learn these soon I was taking coctails of diet pills with laxatives and starving myself for anything up to 8 or 9 days at a time. There would be days when I couldn't get out of bed I was so weak even speaking or opening my eyes was an effort. I would pass out several times a week I started to get arthritus in my legs I would constantly break my bones from all my falls but I just couldn't get out. I knew I needed help but I was so deep I didn't know where to go. I was so afraid people would not understand and they didn't people called me a sick freak other people said I was an attention seeker. I wasn't I just wanted to be happy to be normal to be like everyone else but there was so much pain I didn't know how to do it. People think please think do you really believe that someone would choose that life? People with these sicknesses watch themselves slowly dieing and have no idea what to do. They need love and understand support and kindness. Realise and this is soo important IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT THEM the way they feel the way they are is to do with them don't blame yourselves or show them you do because that will make them worse. Don't try to force them to eat or pressure them this will make them worse. Just show them love and support and kindness and understanding and go and research and read about these subjects don't misunderstand them. DON'T GET THEM WRONG

MY FREEDOM HOW I AM FREE

You want to be all of me
You want to be everything
You control me possess me like a victim of the devil
Your punishment more cruel and ferocious
I have nothing
Nothing truly mine
You invade me like a cancer that spreads and spreads
Never free never free
Is your sole aim my unhappiness?
Is your sole aim my torture?
You want everything
Everything that’s mine
Do I have nothing?
Is nothing truly sacred?
But you can’t take this away from me
You can’t take this away from me
And I swear by everything I love
By everything you have yet to destroy
You won’t take this from me
If I must die to have one sweet freedom
I will do it for that is all I have left
To say I am me
So I won’t eat I won’t
You can’t make me you know
And I will starve and starve
Till my face turns hollow and white
I will starve and starve till
I have no breath to breathe
Until you see I am me not you
And I must be free