In Search of Who We Are

I am no more than you, no less than you, I am human just like you. But what I didn't know was who I was or if I even was. Where is my humanity? I found that it comes from the deepest pain and the deepest struggles. Somehow true humanity can only come from true suffering. Its logical I guess if not a cruel twist of fate for to truely understand the horror or pain of any situation the best way is to go through it yourself. Does it mean my humanity is more/less the same as yours no for sure. Each person experiences humanity differently depending on their life, on their experience on their personality even. We must forgive the child who no longer cries when they see dead children on TV they see it everyday, its not real not a part of their life. I was like this numb not unfeeling but unknowing. That changed the first time I watched someone die. Death changes you forever and seeing it means you will never be the same. But to watch someone so young so innocent die have their life taken away from them so cruely for no reason except sheer stupidity is the most painful horror you can ever know. For so many years the pictures flashed through my mind the little child lieing their her tiny hands her little fingers curled with blood on them, her face distorted in suprise or shock and pain her draped over one cheek, one shoe off with her blue flowery sweater soaked in blood. Mostly I remember her eyes they were calling to me pleading, begging, till now when I close my eyes I still see her little face and those eyes still haunting me. Why? Why all of this? For what for the sake of taking revenge? For the sake of marking out your turf? For the sake of warning rival drug gangs you would kill a girl? Was it worth it? To know your a kiddie murder that you killed someones baby girl someones baby sister? I wrestled with the questions. Such inhumanity how could it be? How could their be balance in the world? How could their be justice? How could there? How could there? Sometimes I would cry for hours cursing God as the pictures haunted me in my mind. I would scream where are you? Where were you? Why ? If there is mercy if there is justice how could you let this happen? How? Never once did he answer me. Not once and I cursed and cursed convinced life was a big lie and humanity was just a myth. Till one day I was walking down the street and saw a shelter people were coming in and out, lame as it sounds something drew me inside. It was like another world inside gangsters, criminals and normal people to. A woman at the front told me no drugs and no guns I said I don't have either she said I am afraid we have to check I nodded now driven by my curiosity. I entered I knew I was out of place people looked at me and I turned red regretting what I had done. An older man walked up to me and smiled and ask do you need some help. I stammered no thanks he just smiled and said ok why don't you come and sit with us. I sat and people started to talk a woman stopped up she was young not more than 30 fair with blue eyes and brown hair and started to talk about how her son a 7 year old boy had been shot in a drive by shooting. It wasn't her story that made me understand it was what she said before she finished. She said I forgive him (the shooter) a long time ago, I forgave myself more recently, but what I know and what I now understand is God took away a gift but he gave me another the gift of humanity.