Cry me a river?

It seems strange to say you can't cry. You laugh and think of Cameroon Diaz in the holiday but seriously being desensitized is something that happens. Haven't you ever laughed at something which was so not funny like your grandmas funeral and then been like shit how could I laugh? When the truth is all you want to do is cry. Sometimes its like you want to cry so bad but you just can't make the tears come out. Thats why so many people self harm because all of that pain inside of them eats away and no one sees it but it has no release. Its a way to know your still here still alive. If I don't feel am I not here? There is a masacistic pleasure to it as you watch the blood like rivers flow over you. Its like an ecstasy like a high that only drugs would give you and the relief is unbelievable. Its funny how it doesn't hurt but its like a thousand tears and each stroke is like a scream of relief. A purging of emotions that sets you free in so many ways. So many times I have closed my eyes and seen the blood surround me but its beautiful its at peace with me and myself. These are my tears. I used to believe that this was okay. Just a contradiction to social norms but nothing wrong. I used to convince myself that I should hide the scars not from shame but because they wouldn't understand. But we should know better than this because the mind can't lie to the mind. Its a truth I have to live with that my tears are of blood and not water. It doesn't make it right but now I wear my scars proudly like war wounds each one tells a story has a memory that I can't forget, that I won't forget, but everyday passes and a new one comes instead always different. We must believe in our pain and not supress it. I love all you men out there who cry at romantic movies and all you women who are loud and proud. Society has allowed us to become to become emotional zombies and thats why we are so afraid to be who we are to laugh or cry or love our way and nobody elses. But you know what I was diagnosed with bipolars a year ago and I am proud coz its who I am episodes and all. And lets face it everyone has a little crazy in them.